as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
