Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
