Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
