WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
