What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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