It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
