I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
