the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
