My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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