Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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