When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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