and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
