I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
