The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
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He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
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Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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