There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Be still, my beating vagina.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
