shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
