Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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