OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
