Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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