ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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