I cut my penus on the lid.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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