i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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