I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
