theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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