I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
