I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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