Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
