Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
