Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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