Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's official drugs can't kill me
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
