There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
