He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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