I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
