Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
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Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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