so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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