In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
