8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
