Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
