I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
