My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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