Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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