Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
