my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
