I'm going to jail i love you
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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