OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
