Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
