If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
