1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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