Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
