can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
