I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
