You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
