The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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