I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
