There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
It's blow job season.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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