Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
