I just threw up on my dentist
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
