I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
