you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
