I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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