My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
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The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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