Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
