Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
lets start a swedish sibling band together
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
