My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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